A Daughter's Tribute
A day after my father’s death on February 10th, 2006, I thought I will get over with the painful task of sorting his belongings. That’s when I stumbled upon his dairy. I opened it with trembling hands. The entry on January 7th, the day he heard the news of his terminal illness for the first time, had these immortal lines of Adi Sankaracharya’s in Sanskrit.
“Ayatham ayatham apekshaneeyam,
Gatham gatham sarvam upekshaneeyam,
Alam vritha modana khedanabhyam,
Alanghaneeya kamalasanagnyam.”
Translated in English.
“Accept whatever comes your way,
Let go of whatever goes away from you,
It is futile to be joyous or to grieve,
Brahma’s orders cannot be reversed.”
The doctors conveyed the life sentence directly to my father. And he took it with absolute stoicism. I suppose it was his philosophical disposition, which was more prominent than his ritualistic instincts that gave him the courage to imbibe the news of his terminal illness.
A day after my father’s death on February 10th, 2006, I thought I will get over with the painful task of sorting his belongings. That’s when I stumbled upon his dairy. I opened it with trembling hands. The entry on January 7th, the day he heard the news of his terminal illness for the first time, had these immortal lines of Adi Sankaracharya’s in Sanskrit.
“Ayatham ayatham apekshaneeyam,
Gatham gatham sarvam upekshaneeyam,
Alam vritha modana khedanabhyam,
Alanghaneeya kamalasanagnyam.”
Translated in English.
“Accept whatever comes your way,
Let go of whatever goes away from you,
It is futile to be joyous or to grieve,
Brahma’s orders cannot be reversed.”
The doctors conveyed the life sentence directly to my father. And he took it with absolute stoicism. I suppose it was his philosophical disposition, which was more prominent than his ritualistic instincts that gave him the courage to imbibe the news of his terminal illness.
Cancer did not defeat him; in his peaceful painless death, he defeated the disease with courage, dignity and composure.
The memories keep coming back like the tumultuous monsoon, and in our tears we wash away a million emotions with the conviction that in the clear sky after the deluge, we will be blessed with an infinitely beautiful memory of a unique man whose wisdom, courage and understanding were always way ahead of his times.
I keep trying and trying in vain to write a full-fledged tribute to my father and get it published in some newspaper or magazine. But, here is where I seem to be encountering my greatest writing block and I am unable to string together my emotions or words; it is indeed difficult to write about a person who was an integral part of your life and thoughts. Nevertheless, I am trying….maybe one day I will let the words flow.
The memories keep coming back like the tumultuous monsoon, and in our tears we wash away a million emotions with the conviction that in the clear sky after the deluge, we will be blessed with an infinitely beautiful memory of a unique man whose wisdom, courage and understanding were always way ahead of his times.
I keep trying and trying in vain to write a full-fledged tribute to my father and get it published in some newspaper or magazine. But, here is where I seem to be encountering my greatest writing block and I am unable to string together my emotions or words; it is indeed difficult to write about a person who was an integral part of your life and thoughts. Nevertheless, I am trying….maybe one day I will let the words flow.
posted by Gayathri Varma @ 10:41 PM
24 comments
24 Comments:
Your pain is very evident in your writing. I pray that with time your wounds will heal.
This is as good a tribute as any. I am sure he lived a wonderful life and lavished his love on you to deserve such intense and lingering memories. actually I envy him...in his death!
You have paid a beautiful tribute to your father and your pain is palpable in all that you have written. I have lost my father too....and reading your piece brought it all back....the pain of losing a loved parent !!
All I can say, even though it may sound very cliched is...'Time is a great healer' and one day the words will flow........
Hi Darla,
Thanks for your concern. I am touched.
And thanks to the rest of you for sharing my emotions.
One word for it-Soul stirring, I think it is your best piece so far. I am unable to say anything else. I almost felt your pain through this passage. Brilliant!
Sukumari
Your father was indeed a brave man. I am reminded of the famous words by William Shakes Speare "Cowards die many times before their deaths; the valiant never taste of death but once".. Believe in the power of time to heal your wounds.
gayathri,
I understand: Death, Writer's block, and pain.
Hi Gayathri,
This is a true tribute to your father.
Every word of it shows the emotions, the love, you had for him.
Hi Sowmya,
Thanks. Glad to hear from you. How are you and how is your little daughter? Are you working in the same place? Best wishes. Do stay in touch.
But, here is where I seem to be encountering my greatest writing block and I am unable to string together my emotions or words
- What we feel most, we have the greatest trouble verbalising. I am sure your father was a wonderful man. I guess your readers will just have to wait until you give speech to your thoughts. Take care.
Hi BhuVer,
Nice to hear from you. Yes, my father relished the sweets I took for him a day before he was admitted to the hospital. I am glad I took him something he liked. He was perfectly allright until two days before his peaceful death. We thank God everyday for the fact that He lovingly took my father to His abode.
dear gayathri,
to start with, condolences on the loss of your father. i hope your
family is bearing up well.
on the eulogy, a word of advice:
just put down all that you think and feel these days. no matter how poor the phrasing, or how unstructured it all sounds, it will be as eloquent as a tribute can posssibly get. trust me.
i had lost a very close friend, almost ten years ago, in a drowning accident. at that time, had sat down to write a letter to his parents. and, same thing again, ended up writing it in almost stream of consciousness. i kept a copy. and even now, when i look at it, it still seems like one of the better (one of the heartfelt ones) things i have ever written.
finally, thanks for posting your comment at my blog. i know about the liquor being doled out to kids. a friend in ndtv was telling me. i have, also, edited your first comment lightly. have deleted the
first line about indepth writing or something at my site. have retained the rest.
take care,
mrajshekhar
Hi Rajasekhar,
Thanks for your encouraging words about writing a tribute to my father. I will keep trying and will bear your words in mind.
dear gayathri,
just chanced upon this.
http://www.pkblogs.com/bonniebluebutler/2006/05/letter-to-appa.html
read it sometime.
take care
shekhar
Hi Shekhar,
Thanks a lot for that link. It is very very touching. I've produced below the extract of the comment i posted in her blog.
Hi,
Your link was put by a reader in my blog under the tribute i paid to my father. And well, i am still crying while i write this comment in your post.
I lost my father to Cancer on Feb 10th 2006. The doctors conveyed the life sentence to him directly and my father took it very very bravely and refused any cancer specific treatment.
He immersed himself in playing Chess and Sudoku....i've preserved his half-complete Sudoku book for posterity...he played it even the day before his death. Maybe i will show it to my kids one day and tell them what a brave man their grandfather was.
I was there beside him with the rest of the family when the doctors removed the oxygen mask and told us 'He is sinking'. Then, when his pulse started fluctuating again, i rushed to the doctor and pleaded with him "to fit the oxygen mask again so that he might survive".
The wise doctor looked at me sadly and said "When the soul is leaving, do not try to hold it back, let it go in peace".
That was it....helplessly we watched it leave his once intelligent mind, his brave heart, his strong body...forever...he died very peacefully without a struggle. But then, something integral has died within us too.....
May God give you and your mother the strength to cope.
Gayathri
Actually this poem of Seth's quoted in that letter written by a daughter to her father is most touching.
"Stay by my steel ward bed
And hold me where I lie.
Love me when I am dead
And do not let me die."
Wish we could all hold on to our loved ones and never let them die.
dear gayathri,
hope you are feeling better now. just take care, i guess. and pls do let me know if i can help in any way. you can get my mail id at my site.
shekhar
ps - your yahoo id doesn't seem to work. my mails have been bouncing off. which is why i keep posting here.
Dear Gayathri,
Thank you for coming by my blog and writing that note.
We were both very fortunate to have such wonderful, courageous souls as fathers in our lives. Their light will guide us, once the darkness of grief lifts a little. Meanwhile, we have no choice but to let the storm of grief take its course.
Your post brought me to tears - my father was placed on the ventilator in his last days. It was gutwrenching to watch him worsen day by day. The cancer was everywhere - and took his body. His soul, though - was serene and unflappable.
My father was also an ardent admirer of Adi Shankara. He read the Soundaryalahari everyday.
Love and hugs,
Priya.
As for writer's block when it comes to writing a tribute - our tears accomplish everyday what words cannot.
Take care,
Priya.
Dear Priya,
Thanks so much for your kind words. I was so glad I got to read your blog. You write very beautifully and expressively. Let our respective father's courage and wisdom guide us in our lives.
You take care of yourself too and wish you all the very best in your life.
Gayathri
Hi Anonymous,
I am glad u like my site, although i don't understand why u shld remain anonymous):
Anyway, u can create a beautiful site urself, what stops u from that?......probably a lot more appealing than this one too.
All the best!!!
Hmm I love the idea behind this website, very unique.
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Gayathri, your tribute to your father was very touching. I know that your father was a brave man. Who knows? He might just be that shining star that sparkles right above you every night. You should definitely write a book about him if possible.
u r truly lucky to have a father who was so deeply vedantic. truly, to face death, take it head on - isn't possible for us lesser mortals.
am reminded of a verse from the gita - 'na jaayate mriyate va kadachit...'. apparently, it was this verse that sw.vivekanandaji kept meditating upon, when he was completely abandoned, penniless and on the streets in america.
my salutations to ur father!
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